Okay. So, I just need to vent this and put it out there...for...the sake of my sanity, I think. I am NOT behind the curve with this whole future planning thing. I am NOT. Oh my goodness! Today I was reading in my mental health book and it was discussing how Western culture measures through planning for the future...or something like that (I really don't feel like looking it up right now). It hit me hard. Partially because I disagree with that mindset and partially because that's the very value system that is presently driving me insane!
Everyone seems to want to know what I plan to do after graduation. Well, see, I don't graduate until May...so, well, I don't know what I'm doing, yet. The semester just started. BUT...still everyone asks, as if I'm to have an answer...or have an answer soon...between random strangers, schoolmates, friends, and....*sigh* most of all, family...I keep feeling pressure to know what's next.
Maybe it's because I'm a "Type A" in a class full of "Type A's", but I'm starting to fear that I'm behind the curve...My classmates are starting to secure hospital specific scholarships. They're starting to apply to places. They're discussing dream career paths and plans for future schooling. I actually don't know what I want to do or where I want to do it...but I feel like I should have more of an idea than I do, and that feeling alone frustrates me.
Worst part is, it's like I'm being barred from beginning my job search. I know it seems early for such searching, but it's how I roll...I generally apply early for whatever the next step is so I have plenty of time to narrow down my options and can make sure that I have plenty of options -- a complex security net of choices. However, my crazy schedule has kept me from applying anywhere, or even updating my resume and portfolio. Knowing that my stuff isn't up-to-date is irritating because it means I can't apply anywhere, yet. What frustrates me more is my clinical schedule will prevent me from going to the Nursing Career Fair on Monday. That means that I will be unable to meet with, talk with, and interview with potential employers...many potential employers in one spot, and I will be 2 hours away. I feel like it'll just make it so that I'm further behind.
I think it frustrates me most that I'm worried about these things. I kind of alternate between being anxious about getting the job search underway, and guilt at being so worried and impatient. I mean, God and I have talked about this some, and I trust Him to lead me to where I ought to be. I have no reason not to trust Him. He's come through every other time, and He promises to always do so...So, what's my deal? God and I talked one day in the car, and He made it clear to me that it'd be cool...I mean, I'm not really tied down to anything or anywhere...or (while I love many of you) anyone (meaning I'm not married or whatever)...So, it's just God and me, and He is not bound to any particular place. So, we can go anywhere from here (SDSU reference...anyone?). It was also made clear to me that God often puts me in positions where I get to love people and care for people...which can also take place anywhere...because...well...God loves everyone. So, there are people to love and care for everywhere. Plus, I'm going to be a nurse (hopefully) and that means I can get a job about anywhere...so...at this point I was like, "Truth, God. I'll be okay anywhere, and I'm down with that...but...that really doesn't narrow it down...I still don't know what we're doing or where we're going." It's weird because I don't even know how to start my job search at this point. I have no limiting criteria to type into a search...I don't know where we're going...I don't know what I'm doing...I don't know what type of setting...*sigh* So, I guess instead of looking at career postings and job search websites...at this point, I can only look to God to know...which isn't bad...but definitely different...Which is why I'm led to believe that perhaps I'm not behind the curve...just maybe on a tangent to the curve? or on a separate curve? or...something...Regardless...it's perception. I might seem behind, but I could just be going in a separate direction, or maybe on a different plane...or maybe just waiting to leap forward...I don't know...I'm mixing metaphors...I just keep twisting it around in my mind...to come to terms with the fact that I'm not behind...just on a different time-table -- God's.