Scared to Death...or...Excited to Tears?

So, I for sure feel like crying...but I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, I've been scared and nervous about leaving for camp...all week...which has caused me to cry from time to time this week. However, right now...I feel excited. I feel like this summer could be awesome...truly awesome. The first thing that helped me with that is talking to Monica at coffee...it helped me to remember how passionate I am about youth. Oh my gosh! I'm so excited to get a chance to serve and love kids all summer! Second thing that helped? Erin! Erin called (even though she's not really a phone person) to talk about her week and how excited she is to see me and such. It pretty much rocked my socks! I mean, I'm really excited to see her, and I was really stoked to hear that she's excited to see me! Don't get me wrong...I'm still absolutely horrified! But...I feel a bit more excited...I don't feel like chickening out so much. I mean, a part of me wants to run away or disappear...or show up to camp and try to fly under the radar...but Monica reminded me of how excited I am about this opportunity...and Erin provided me with some encouragement. I think I'm gonna make it...at least to camp...we'll see about the rest.

Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

Boy is that question on my mind and heart right now. It's practically all I think about...not really...but it DOES keep coming up. I'm getting ready for camp -- packing, praying, etc. And let me just tell you: I'm terrified about going to camp. TERRIFIED. I am horrified to go...and the anticipation and the anxiety are killing me. I cried a lot on Sunday thinking about camp and what not...and I just got out of bed from a bout of bawling and crippling fear. It was intensely crazy. I read some more out of Captivating, which really got the waterworks flowing because...as it has been...it struck a chord with me...deep in my heart.

One of the parts that truly hit me was in the chapter about Satan's hatred for femininity. This is one of the passages that brought me to tears:

"He is the one who has done these things in order to prevent your restoration. For that is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and your life-giving heart."

I feel very tormented right now. I feel terrified about camp. I'm horrified that I may not be awesome enough or amazing enough to be at camp for the summer. I already know some of the leadership and a couple of the counselors and support crew, and they are all AMAZING people with AMAZING gifts. I worry that I'll be the weakest link. That I don't have anything to offer. I worry that I won't fit in, that no one will like me, that I'll spend the summer feeling lonely and out of place. I'm afraid that I won't do well...I'm so scared. I'm so excited...I'm so scared!

One of my friends told me that I just had to get through this week...that it'll be better once I get to camp. I feel like it's that way with a lot of aspects of my life right now. I mean, I've been seeking healing. I've been seeking restoration. I've been seeking truth. I've been seeking knowledge. And I look at my friends who are on the other side of some of the decisions I need to make...they're in a better place...or they're just already at camp. Sometimes, I feel like I'm stuck in between...like I'm pushing through a wall...or like I'm in a wall of fire and my friends are already out of it. They promise that while it won't be perfect or ideal once I get through, but that it'll be better...Sometimes, I feel frustrated and sometimes I just want to shout at one of my friends to pull me through. I mean, I just want the pain over...I want to stop feeling so tortured...I wish they could speed it up...I know they can't. I just. When I'm lying in my bed crying, I just want it all to be over...I want to survive...I want to push through. I pray that I just keep going.

I pray my friend is right, that the fact that I'm scared to death is a sign that this summer will be truly amazing. I pray that the fact that I'm terrified and weepy is a sign that I do have something to offer and that I do have awesome gifts to contribute to the awesomeness of this summer at camp.

Well, on that note...back to packing.

Warning: It's Gonna Pour

It's gonna pour blogs that is! I feel a storm of blogging coming on this week. Why? Because I'm getting ready to actually read for camp...AND...I'm trying to finish reading Captivating (for the 4th time) before I go, which means I have been and will continue to be thinking a lot about myself, my God, my relationships, etc. So, I just wanted to warn you all that I'll probably be posting a lot this week...or at least, that's the plan. Prepare yourselves. I am.

The song on my heart...in a bland post

This song has been on my mind and in my heart...it's been speaking to me in weird ways...to where it almost seems like the words came form somewhere deep inside me. Crazy, right? anyway, I don't have much original thought to share regarding it...just the lyrics to share with y'all.

Faith of a Child by The O.C. Supertones

Can you count all the things that I'm worried about
By the lines in my brow, I want to trust but don't know how
To rest and be still, to abandon myself to your will
And I can't figure out what my time in this world is about

And this time I don't have an answer
But don't think that I haven't tried
I still have the heart of a seeker
But I need the faith of a child
I need the faith of a child

I know Christ waits for me on the other side
of this life, But I, I wanna know why I'm alive
Cause I wonder from the path so far
Would it be easier, easier to be where you are

And this time I don't have an answer
But don't think that I haven't tried
I still have the heart of a seeker
But I need the faith of a child
I need the faith of a child

I wanna know what the truth is
and I don't care if its costly
I know there must be a reason
even if it cannot be known by me

And this time I don't have an answer
But don't think that I haven't tried
I still have the heart of a seeker
But I need the faith of a child
I need the faith of a child

Just Be Yourself

JUST be yourself. Just BE yourself. Just be YOURSELF.

I thought I'd play with emphasis in order to determine which part of that sentence I personally find the most difficult to handle. The conclusion? All of it. Ugh!

I mean, what sucks for me is that I seem to be able to be myself...UNTIL it matters...or UNTIL someone cares...or UNTIL I start thinking about it...like once I think about it...I can't...I can't be myself because when I think about it, I think/figure that myself isn't enough...isn't good enough...so, I try to be someone else...I strive to be the person I think I SHOULD be...the person I think they WANT me to be or NEED me to be...I seem to think that while I was enough to become someone's friend, I could never be enough to keep that friend. I seem to think that my friends need and want me to be someone else, something more...than just myself. It sucks 'cause in that process, I squeeze God out of the picture. I mean, I don't let Him use me as He sees fit. I don't live knowing that I am His and that HE has plans for me, that He has blessed me to be a blessing...I try to do it myself...I try to be awesome and amazing and beautiful and loving and all that...on my own. I end up living out of my head, instead of from my heart...I think about the things I SHOULD do...to show people I care, to show that I love them, to help them...I don't let myself just do what comes naturally...I second guess and filter and create my own idea of what I should do, generally very different from what is actually needed, probably very different from what God intended or would have me do.

That's why the "be" trips me up. I don't know how to "be". I live in my head so much that I feel the need to always DO something. I SHOULD be DOING _________ so they'll know I care...so they won't have to...so they'll feel special or loved or whatever...it loses the authenticity when I think it through and seek to do. Because it's not authentic, it's not "I thought of you"...it's pre-meditated....I SHOULD give them a hug when I see them...I SHOULD help them with that...I SHOULD bring them a ________...it's like I feel the need to keep up appearances like I do with my mom sometimes. I give her what she wants. I do things so she doesn't have to, so she can go cry or whatever, I take care of stuff for her, I give her a hug because I know that's what she wants...because it's what a "normal" family would do. I fake it...because it seems like when I try to live from my heart and do what I feel moved to do, she doesn't get it...she doesn't understand...she wants the niceties that can be rehearsed and taught...and that's what I give her...and unfortunately, I've come to think that that's what I have to do for the people I'm closest to. I'm myself around people I barely know because I don't care what they think. I mean, if they like me, cool...if they don't, fine, we won't talk again...no big thing. So, when I find out someone is my friend and that they care about me, I worry. I worry that they'll need something from me...that they expect niceties, and I need to figure out what to give them...It's dumb because I panic because I care. I start to care about them and love them, and I don't want to eff it up. I figure I will, but I don't want to. So, I second guess myself and filter myself to try to give them only the parts of me that they want...only the best parts...only the nice parts...which I suppose ends up making me seem cold and aloof...they don't have access to the real anymore, not like they did. They get the woman I think I SHOULD be, not the one that they became friends with, the one they want to see and talk with. I cheat them out of that. They get to know me as someone who is herself and comfortable and honest and open and everything...and then we become friends and I'm the opposite. Because I'm afraid...that I'm not DOING enough if I'm just myself. Like I said...I don't understand...I don't know...how to BE. I'm not comfortable with who I am...I'm not comfortable at rest...I don't rest...I don't know how to rest...I've read that beauty is inviting...a woman at rest invites those around her to be at rest...the most beautiful women are those that are at rest, inviting, comfortable...I'm not...I'm a striving woman...because I've learned that I'm never good enough, it's never good enough, no one will ever be satisfied...I have to keep trying...and I try and I try and I do and I do...and I get lost in the trying and the doing...I lose MYSELF. I think I am the things that I do for people...I think that I am the things that I'm trying to be...I don't understand that I already was someone...before I started trying to be someone.

The question that has always pissed me off the most is "Who are you?" Who am I? Once upon a time, when I thought that counseling could help, I talked with a woman who asked me who I was. She asked me to respond without referencing my family or the activities I'm involved in. I had nothing to say. I realize I don't have to have the whole answer of who I am and what my purpose in this world is...but to not know...to have nothing to say? That's sad. I didn't even give her a "I am...a brunette." Nothing. Adjectives? What? Adjectives would imply that it was an attribute...I generally live in verbs...I am writing a blog...I am learning to be a nurse...I am going to be a nurse...in my world, "to be" is just used to conjugate verbs...it is not a verb in itself. I don't know what "is" or "be" really means, I guess. Have you ever watched me try to just sit...I can do it...I've done it at the lake...and maybe a handful of other instances...but it's generally awkward for me to just be. It's awkward to watch me sit still because I have to shift positions all the time or fidget or bounce my leg or ask awkward questions because it freaks me out to not be DOING SOMETHING...even if it's talking...I SHOULD AT LEAST be talking...about something...It's ironic because in my world, quality time with someone is extremely valuable. I so badly want to BE with my friends...just to chill...I don't always want to DO something with them...I just want to BE with them. I don't know how to do that, though. It freaks me out because it makes me vulnerable. They'll see me...they'll see me not studying, not cleaning, not making something, not planning something, not discussing...just me being there...just me. I'm afraid to do that, even though that's what I really want. I want to be enough just by myself...to not have to do things to be valuable...to not have to be a body in motion...to be a place of rest...that I could offer myself...like me...not offer the things I can do...the things I can try to do...to just offer myself...no walls or masks or lies or filters or inane tasks...

The other day, I watched Across the Universe. There was a bit of dialogue that stood out to me:
"Do, do, do, do, do. Why isn't the issue here who I am?"
"Because what you do defines who you are."
"Actually, Uncle Teddy, who you are defines what you do."

Do you understand how that shook me to the core? Who I am? Who I am defines what I do? Who I am motivates me to be involved in the things I'm involved in? To pursue the things I pursue? Who I am is related to my passions and my desires and my gifts? I still don't understand how that could be...it makes sense. But I'm still mighty confused.

It's like...if I could learn to be myself, the doing would come naturally...it'd flow from who I am...who I was created to be...how God wishes to use me...it wouldn't be me trying to do things so that I can become someone...it'd be me being me...It makes me think of the whole "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." Because I feel like God's trying to tell me that I already am someone...someone of value...someone with something to offer...and I don't have to try...because I already am...I don't have to do anything to be that person...I just have to accept that it's the truth...and to humble myself before Him, letting Him be in me...and I in Him...resting...resting in Him...

That's why the "just" is so hard for me. It makes it sound so easy. But it seems like it'll be so hard for me...because I feel like I've been wired to DO...and I'd have to fight habit and history in order to be...I feel like I don't know how...like I'd have to learn how to be.

I was thinking the other day...er...last night...about how much I hurt the people I love and care about by not being myself, by filtering and second guessing and striving. It hurts me to think on it because I filter and second guess and strive out of fear that I will hurt them. I'm working against myself...I'm cutting myself off...It pisses me off because I should know better...I feel like I'm having an epiphany that I should have had forever ago...like it's too little too late...can't teach an old Takara new tricks...

I've been doing a lot of praying last night and today. Crazy part is I even included myself in those prayers. I suppose it's obvious the reasons I've been praying. I've been praying for guidance. I've been praying to be broken and rebuilt. I've been praying to be myself...to live from my heart, not my head. I've been praying to discover who I am. I've been praying to have my vision adjusted, so I can see myself. I've felt like I've been living in a house without mirrors. I sometimes see a distorted glimpse of myself...in a spoon or a window or a bowl of water. But I don't trust those...I'm praying to get the chance to see myself reflected in God's eyes and the eyes of my friends...I'm praying to see what they see. I'm praying for a mirror. I'm praying for a better perspective...I'm praying that I might be able to "look at my life through Heaven's Eyes", if that's even possible and not too cliched. I'm praying for patience and peace through all of this...I'm praying for my friends, too, though. I'm praying for them to be patient and forgiving...I see so much of Christ's love in each of my relationships. I pray that those relationships will be blessed with grace and peace and forgiveness as well. I pray I'm not too slow, not too behind the curve...I want to change. I want to be me...I want to accept who I am and be comfortable it...and then offer myself to those that I love. I want to show everyone how much I love them...and how much I care for them...I want my actions and words to flow from me, and the Creator that made me who I am.

She Falls Apart By Herself

"Sometimes we want to talk about our feelings, but we don't because it's scary, and that's okay, but we need to find you an outlet for those feelings." -- Miss Guided

"You seem sad. Miranda." - Addison
"We're not going to do this. I can't share. I can't catch up with you. I can't talk...because if I did...if I told you Tucker moved out...If I told you I haven't slept alone in 12 years...If I told you my heart hurts so much sometimes I want to rip it from my little chest with my own hands...I would fall apart, and I don't have time to fall apart. It's not that I'm not happy to see you. I am, but I wish that you would go home so that the...choice...to talk and fall apart would GO AWAY." - Miranda

This will have to be a brief but honest blog. Those two tidbits from a couple of my favorite shows (Miss Guided and Grey's Anatomy) kind of line up with how my life seems to be going right now.
I just have so much going on, it seems...worst part is that it's not all like external stuff. It's not just tasks on my to-do list. It's bigger than that. I have so much on my mind and on my heart. I have so many people I want to talk to and spend time with...mostly God...but I feel like I don't have time...I feel like I don't have time to deal with the thoughts and feelings and all that junk that are buzzing around in my head right now. I don't have time to vent. I don't have time to talk it out. I don't have time to fall apart. At first, that Grey's Anatomy quote made me think about some of my good friends, whom I often feel the need to ditch...not because I don't love them...not even because I don't trust them...but because they give me the option of sharing and venting and falling apart...which I don't want to do because it's messy and time consuming. However, as I sit here and think about it more, I think more and more that it relates to me and God a lot. Like I haven't hard core hit my knees for a while...I mean, I sometimes cry out to him from my pillow as I toss about and try to find rest...but I'm generally not listening at that point...I'm generally not really looking for conversation...I just want the end result to be rest for me. But like I said, I haven't hard core hit my knees because God gives me the option of sharing and opening up and falling apart...and I think I almost resent that. I mean, it's because its such an attractive option. I mean, I feel a bit stuck...I want to continue to move forward...I want to be something new...I want to be somewhere new...and I feel like I'm stalling, right now. Like I could do that, but I don't have the time....*sigh*...worst part is that unlike my friends, I can't just run away from God and avoid having the option of falling apart...He's always there, and I know it. So, I am constantly aware of how feasible it would be for me to break down and cry and talk with my bff Jesus. I am aware that His shoulder is right there, right next to me...so, at any given moment, I could break down and bare my soul and let Him work in me...but I keep trying not to...because it seems so messy...so time consuming.

Like Miranda, my heart hurts so much sometimes...that I, too, want to rip it from my chest. There's this one song that I listen to when I feel like that. It says, "Jesus Christ, if you tore my heart out, the only thing I'd feel is less alone." Because sometimes, I just want it all to stop. I can't keep feeling this way...I can't keep being reminded that I'm on the edge of falling apart. I think I resent God for doing that...for reminding me over and over again that He's right there, and I'm so broken and need Him so badly...so, why don't I reach out to Him? Why don't I cry out? Why don't I take a minute and cry on His shoulder? Because I feel like Miranda...I don't have time...there are things to do, tests to study for, kids to babysit, people who need to talk, cleaning to be done, packing to be done...so, I've gotta keep it together and keep going, right?

Today, I started thinking about it again...maybe I've got it wrong...maybe it's like on Scrubs where Elliot is worried that she'll freak out her new boyfriend by being too crazy and Carla tells her to let it out in little bursts. Maybe that's my problem. I have this idea that I have to fall apart once and be over it...instead of admitting I'm broken lots of times...and letting God work in me and change me in those moments every day. I mean, there's nothing saying everything needs to be a giant, dramatic change, right? I mean, no reason it can't be a slow process of readjustment or something, right? I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe I don't need to put off this falling apart business...maybe I don't need to only be broken one time...kind of doing maintenance work...well, I don't know if it's maintenance if it's already broken...doing a little bit each time...maybe that's a wussy way...I can't decide...is it wussy to only admit to being a little bit vulnerable, a little bit broken each day? Or is it wussy to keep trying to ignore your brokenness, waiting for a giant upheaval...an overhaul of sorts?

I've been trying to pray each day...as I wrestle with all the stuff going on inside...but it's not entirely working...*sigh* I know it's wrong, but a part of me keeps hoping the next day will be easier, the next day will be better...I'll wake up and it won't be as bad...but I know that takes work...work that I honestly commit to doing and stop dragging my feet about.