I've been dying to blog lately. I think it's because blogging makes me feel...like my thoughts are completely processed. It gives me a sense of retention. Tonight,I find my mind whirring...I'm thinking about worship service. I'm thinking about presence, positivity, purpose. I'm thinking about illness, sin, redemption, freedom, and the journey that is health and wellness...I'm thinking about poverty, fasting, loneliness, brokenness...community, abundance, generosity...and above all else...LOVE...the love that gives it all meaning.
all of those thoughts are just whirring and blurring and blending...each thought feeding the other...yet fighting for attention. I want to tell you the beautiful connections and epiphanies I am experiencing. It's lovely...but hindered...All of these thoughts are developing into a dreamy plan. Perhaps exploring the plan will make the underlying conviction more clear and concrete.
But the plan...it seems stuck. I can't seem to get the nerve to describe it. Am I embarrassed? Cowardly? Uncertain? Is it because I haven't spoken to my husband about all of this and allowed us to dream together? I mean, I can't dream a full dream or hatch a complete plan with any certainty unless it is rounded out by my husband's beliefs and convictions.
But...even with that...Why am I so hesitant to share with him? It's like I'm afraid that my words will tarnish the dream...not do it the justice it deserves...or maybe it will all fall apart if I try to string my thoughts all together in a formal, organized fashion. Maybe I'm only imagining it all fits together. Maybe the flaws will be exposed in the sharing and it will all fall in on itself before its had a chance to mature. But then again, maybe it's the sharing that will give it a shot at fruition. Perhaps, my thoughts are just a skeleton on which others will hang their hopes and dreams. Perhaps my husband, my friends, my little community will give it the flesh it needs. Maybe it will fill in the gaps and weak spots, making it even more solid...and giving it a greater chance and being realized. And if those dreams are truly of God's will, the whole thing will spring to life. And the thought that that might just be the case -- that the whirling thoughts in my head somehow help to form a God-breathed, creative, creating community or something... That, in and of itself, is worth whatever perceived risk there is in the sharing...right? I say, surely! Surely! :)