Thursday, December 25, 2008

Trapped...and Walled Up

So, I'm back in Pella, which is nice 'cause I don't often see my family, but it's also sucky because I often have tremendously hard times here. And am I having hard times this time around? Yes...but in a kind of new way...yup, I know it's exciting. I just always feel especially antsy when I'm's the tension...not the tension between me and my family, or even the tension between my friends and's inside me. It's hard because I feel trapped by my past when I come into the city limits. I suddenly become aware of just how much different I am now. A part of me always wants to go back, and so I feel embarrassed by how I've changed, how different I am from my friends. I mean, the things I spend my time doing, the things I dream of doing, even the way I dress and lead my's different. I am so tempted to downplay it when I'm home. I kind of wish I were my 16 year old self in a 22 year old know the same old high school me just with bigger boobs and a better vocabulary. But alas and alack, that's not the case. Besides, while a part of me gets all wishy-washy and nostalgic, another part of me feels so condemned. It's weird because while I'm acutely aware of the ways I've grown and changed, at the exact same time I feel tempted to believe that I haven't changed, that I haven't learned, that I am doomed to make the same mistakes and live under the same lies as I did when I was in high school, that I am forever to live under the shame of the mistakes and the less than ideal events of my past. I know it's not true, but man do I have a hard time knowing that when I'm home. I was talking to a friend of mine the other night and found myself explaining it to him in a way I'd never thought of that (I hate when I'm taken aback by my own words). I told him how I didn't plan on moving back to Pella (at least not for a long time) because I just couldn't handle living here right now. I explained that living here would make it really hard for me to move forward. When I'm here, I have a hard time living in the freedom that I have in Christ. I end up trapped somewhere between wishing I were still the bright, musically talented, athlete and feeling doomed to always feel inadequate in appearance and achievement or to always worry about judgements that were made about me along time ago when I was making obviously bad choices. When I'm in Pella, I feel like I have an excuse to make poor choices. I can blame my past, I can blame the people I'm around, I can blame family tension. It's convenient to revisit and relive past transgressions. They're right there staring me in the face. (That's the place where we ____ That was the first time I ____ That's probably the last time I _____ That's where I always ____ That's where I hid ____ Remember the time when we ___ for hours?)
It frustrates me to be "home". I don't feel connected to anything more than my past here, and sometimes I wish I didn't have to be connected to that. I mean, I just feel inadequate, hurt, and lonely...and because of that, I feel stupid.
The upside is that in the face of that tension, knowing that things are different and I don't have to be that person anymore, I often discover more what matters to me and what's next. God and I usually talk, and the things He's been saying usually become more clear in the face of the temptations and hurts of being here. And as a bonus, I get to spend time with my family, my sisters, and some awesome girls (all of whom I never see enough of)
Downside? Well, like I said, I feel hurt and tempted and inadequate and lonely...and like shutting down in a lot of ways and letting myself just coast on auto-pilot or whatever. I mean, I know that I have some great opportunities to spend quality time with my sisters and family, and there are some girls from a Bible study I used to run here that I love meeting with when I'm actually in town, but...I just don't really feel like dealing with people right now. I've noticed myself starting to shut down and put up my walls with everyone, friends from home, school, camp...something set this in motion, and I feel myself starting to withdraw, use stock answers to questions, keep my life to myself...I just don't feel like talking or whatever...I don't know...that sounds so cruel and so dumb and so not how I want to be, but that's where I'm at right now, though I am trying not to be. I feel remarkably walled's a defense mechanism...don't let anyone know who you are or how you are, Takara. Blend in. Then you won't get hurt so much. Just keep to yourself until you get the chance to move on again.
The worst part of all of this is that I feel compelled to write supa lame blogs like this one. Blogs that say nothing and serve no real purpose except to get my thoughts and feelings beyond me...a weak attempt at preventing isolation -- tossing my feelings and thoughts out into cyberspace so I can at least say I kind-of tried to share, rather than continuing to internalizing everything. Plus, I think I just get sick of hearing my own thoughts, and I always hope that by typing them, I can make them go away. I hate my voice. I hate my thought process. I think I always hope that blogging will help me "put a sock in it". Whatever. Enough babbling...time to try to sleep. (For the record, though...I'm having an awesome time with my family and such...The sucky part is that I'm having an awesome time and a hard time all at the same time. So, I feel intensely pleased and happy with a tinge of sadness. Blech!)