Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Give a Little...Take a Lot

Okay...before I vent, random hair looks so good's getting long, and I actually like it sometimes. Soon, I'll get to fix my bangs and ALL BETTER! Or something like that :P to the point. Recent events have brought up some...pain, I guess? I'm definitely guarded and stressed...*sigh* First the give a little part of it. I hold back a lot...keep a lot to myself...sometimes the thing I find most upsetting is all the things I don't say...and don't do...because I'm lame or something...I second guess myself. I don't want to jinx anything or speak to boldly or upset anyone by over-sharing...I figure I am "too much". So, I hold back, and when I'm left thinking about all the things I didn't say...*sigh* What if I don't get another chance to say them? *shake head* At the same time, though...there's some stress in the why I didn't say anything...I keep a lot of my "girlie" thoughts to myself because it seems a lot safer that way. If no one knows how much I care, no one can know how much they've hurt me when they reject me. I can think back to numerous conversations that went

other guy, "Do you think it's wrong that/if we __________?" or "Do you think this is wrong?"

Me (stock answer), "No, but clearly you do."

That usually spells out the beginning of the end. Because that conversation exposes me as a corrupting influence. After that, said friend/boyfriend/whatever then usually expresses that I am a stumbling block...I'm dragging them down, causing them to stumble, leading them to sin...and so I must either change my wicked ways (which always somehow seems to mean that I must suppress some part of who I am) or they will leave. So, I often try to hide who I am...and only show the preferable parts...try not to say too much about how I feel (this goes for any and all relationships) for fear that I am over-invested...that we aren't at the same place..., while I'm feeling like "too much" in that way, I also am feeling like "not enough" in another. Cause I just talked to my dad. *sigh* It's not what he says per's how he says it. I'm sure he believes he's just inquiring about my life, but I come away feeling like I'm just not doing enough, even though I'm doing all that I can. For example, my schedule is ridiculous right now. I'm always on the run. I always have somewhere I need to be and a million things to do all while figuring out "what's next". So, I feel fortunate if I get to watch one movie a week sans homework. But somehow, talking with my dad, I feel like an underachiever, like I'm doing too much frilly stuff and not being "productive" and "efficient". It kills me. It literally kills me. I hate those words...because I hate that I believe they are what I should be...I hate how they make me feel like I'm lazy if I'm not multi-tasking or if I sleep...that's why when I have free time...I like to cook and read and watch's not's relaxing...there isn't a goal...

I'm feeling burdened. Burdened with things left unsaid. Burdened by the fact that I only give a little and hold back a lot of what God has given me to share because I'm afraid. And I'm burdened by a daunting schedule full of deadlines and tasks and that will keep me always on the go, and rarely sleeping or with my friends. Story of my life, right? :(