Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Give a Little...Take a Lot

Okay...before I vent, random hair looks so good's getting long, and I actually like it sometimes. Soon, I'll get to fix my bangs and ALL BETTER! Or something like that :P to the point. Recent events have brought up some...pain, I guess? I'm definitely guarded and stressed...*sigh* First the give a little part of it. I hold back a lot...keep a lot to myself...sometimes the thing I find most upsetting is all the things I don't say...and don't do...because I'm lame or something...I second guess myself. I don't want to jinx anything or speak to boldly or upset anyone by over-sharing...I figure I am "too much". So, I hold back, and when I'm left thinking about all the things I didn't say...*sigh* What if I don't get another chance to say them? *shake head* At the same time, though...there's some stress in the why I didn't say anything...I keep a lot of my "girlie" thoughts to myself because it seems a lot safer that way. If no one knows how much I care, no one can know how much they've hurt me when they reject me. I can think back to numerous conversations that went

other guy, "Do you think it's wrong that/if we __________?" or "Do you think this is wrong?"

Me (stock answer), "No, but clearly you do."

That usually spells out the beginning of the end. Because that conversation exposes me as a corrupting influence. After that, said friend/boyfriend/whatever then usually expresses that I am a stumbling block...I'm dragging them down, causing them to stumble, leading them to sin...and so I must either change my wicked ways (which always somehow seems to mean that I must suppress some part of who I am) or they will leave. So, I often try to hide who I am...and only show the preferable parts...try not to say too much about how I feel (this goes for any and all relationships) for fear that I am over-invested...that we aren't at the same place..., while I'm feeling like "too much" in that way, I also am feeling like "not enough" in another. Cause I just talked to my dad. *sigh* It's not what he says per's how he says it. I'm sure he believes he's just inquiring about my life, but I come away feeling like I'm just not doing enough, even though I'm doing all that I can. For example, my schedule is ridiculous right now. I'm always on the run. I always have somewhere I need to be and a million things to do all while figuring out "what's next". So, I feel fortunate if I get to watch one movie a week sans homework. But somehow, talking with my dad, I feel like an underachiever, like I'm doing too much frilly stuff and not being "productive" and "efficient". It kills me. It literally kills me. I hate those words...because I hate that I believe they are what I should be...I hate how they make me feel like I'm lazy if I'm not multi-tasking or if I sleep...that's why when I have free time...I like to cook and read and watch's not's relaxing...there isn't a goal...

I'm feeling burdened. Burdened with things left unsaid. Burdened by the fact that I only give a little and hold back a lot of what God has given me to share because I'm afraid. And I'm burdened by a daunting schedule full of deadlines and tasks and that will keep me always on the go, and rarely sleeping or with my friends. Story of my life, right? :(

1 comment:

Daniel Heier said...

Takara, you are an amazing girl. I love reading your blogs because of how honest you are. But never feel like you aren't good enough for someone or compromise yourself. You have strong beliefs and that is what makes you such a great person! Hope you have a great day!