Monday, November 12, 2007

Planning, Perfectionism, Procrastination

I read this in my stress management book: "Too much planning can make the actual experience of living almost anticlimactic. Too much thinking about a thing removes us from it. We become observers, analysts, spectators, or critics rather than participants."

Later on in the chapter, it talked about the types of procrastination. It turns out that the one style was so me...Perfectionist. It said, "Perfectionists fear that they can't complete tasks up to their expectations. They focus on details rather than overall objectives, and they fear making mistakes."

Now, allow me to be a broken record and say that this made me think about what else? My relationship track record....or rather, where I'm at right now...

I have a tendancy to be hesitant about relationships. Why? Because I don't want to make another mistake. I don't want another break up. I don't want to find out, once again, that I'm not good enough or whatever. So, I put it off...I pretend the potential relationship isn't there...I ignore it. Best way to not screw up a relationship? Not be in one? Yeah, I know...cowardly and counterproductive...but I'm being introspective here.

I also over-analyze relationships way too much. What did he mean by that? Is he interested? Is he losing interest? Is he avoiding me? Do I bug him? Am I the right kind of girl? Ugh! I can get so neurotic about it...and just like that first quote removes me from the relationship, or potential one (depending on the actual situation). I never get to enjoy it or react to it or be a part of it because I'm too busy hashing and rehashing it -- analyzing it to shreds -- until it's unrecognizable as a relationship, or even a human interaction?

Ugh! Well, at least my crazy, over-thinking neuroticism...makes me...special? and at times...endearing and cute in a strange way? *sigh* We'll see.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Faith and Relationships

I gotta throw this out there because...I dunno...I just won't be eloquent, but it's the truth?

I've been very aware recently that God is writing my love story. I've been thinking on my past relationships and my current state of singleness. I realized that each relationship I've been in, was one that I hoped would end in marriage. I hoped I would marry each of those men because I was afraid to be wrong. I was afraid to find out that I had invested time and love into a man that was not to be my husband -- to have put forth that effort just to have it return to me as heartache. But none of those men were right for me. I compromised who I was for each of them in some way. I tried to be a better person, more ladylike, more conservative, more fun (depending on the guy and what I thought he wanted). If I were to have ended up with marrying any of those men, would I have continued to deny who I was? Would I have revealed who I am? Would he have accepted me? Would I just have gone on pretending to be someone I'm not and perpetuated my own unhappiness?

I get frustrated sometimes, though. I don't understand how it'll all work out. I mean, I know that's where faith comes in. No part of my "love story" as it were can truly be authored by me. There is one reason, in particular, that comes to mind to illustrate this. All of the actions and occasions that make me feel the most beautiful occur when I am more or less alone. The times when I am at my peak in beauty (in my opinion), are when it is just God and me. He sees me in those moments when I am most sincere and my most beautiful. I hope and pray that he tells my future husband how I truly am...shows him how I truly am. I mean, I don't know that you would always guess at it, but God knows. God could tell him about my faith, about my love for Christ, about the simple pleasures I enjoy...I know I should do a better job of living out my love and my joy and my passion, but at the same time I know I'll never do it perfectly. So, I have to have faith that God will show the right man just how special and truly beautiful I am...and show him that I'm worth the time and the effort.