She Falls Apart By Herself

"Sometimes we want to talk about our feelings, but we don't because it's scary, and that's okay, but we need to find you an outlet for those feelings." -- Miss Guided

"You seem sad. Miranda." - Addison
"We're not going to do this. I can't share. I can't catch up with you. I can't talk...because if I did...if I told you Tucker moved out...If I told you I haven't slept alone in 12 years...If I told you my heart hurts so much sometimes I want to rip it from my little chest with my own hands...I would fall apart, and I don't have time to fall apart. It's not that I'm not happy to see you. I am, but I wish that you would go home so that the...choice...to talk and fall apart would GO AWAY." - Miranda

This will have to be a brief but honest blog. Those two tidbits from a couple of my favorite shows (Miss Guided and Grey's Anatomy) kind of line up with how my life seems to be going right now.
I just have so much going on, it seems...worst part is that it's not all like external stuff. It's not just tasks on my to-do list. It's bigger than that. I have so much on my mind and on my heart. I have so many people I want to talk to and spend time with...mostly God...but I feel like I don't have time...I feel like I don't have time to deal with the thoughts and feelings and all that junk that are buzzing around in my head right now. I don't have time to vent. I don't have time to talk it out. I don't have time to fall apart. At first, that Grey's Anatomy quote made me think about some of my good friends, whom I often feel the need to ditch...not because I don't love them...not even because I don't trust them...but because they give me the option of sharing and venting and falling apart...which I don't want to do because it's messy and time consuming. However, as I sit here and think about it more, I think more and more that it relates to me and God a lot. Like I haven't hard core hit my knees for a while...I mean, I sometimes cry out to him from my pillow as I toss about and try to find rest...but I'm generally not listening at that point...I'm generally not really looking for conversation...I just want the end result to be rest for me. But like I said, I haven't hard core hit my knees because God gives me the option of sharing and opening up and falling apart...and I think I almost resent that. I mean, it's because its such an attractive option. I mean, I feel a bit stuck...I want to continue to move forward...I want to be something new...I want to be somewhere new...and I feel like I'm stalling, right now. Like I could do that, but I don't have the time....*sigh*...worst part is that unlike my friends, I can't just run away from God and avoid having the option of falling apart...He's always there, and I know it. So, I am constantly aware of how feasible it would be for me to break down and cry and talk with my bff Jesus. I am aware that His shoulder is right there, right next to me...so, at any given moment, I could break down and bare my soul and let Him work in me...but I keep trying not to...because it seems so messy...so time consuming.

Like Miranda, my heart hurts so much sometimes...that I, too, want to rip it from my chest. There's this one song that I listen to when I feel like that. It says, "Jesus Christ, if you tore my heart out, the only thing I'd feel is less alone." Because sometimes, I just want it all to stop. I can't keep feeling this way...I can't keep being reminded that I'm on the edge of falling apart. I think I resent God for doing that...for reminding me over and over again that He's right there, and I'm so broken and need Him so badly...so, why don't I reach out to Him? Why don't I cry out? Why don't I take a minute and cry on His shoulder? Because I feel like Miranda...I don't have time...there are things to do, tests to study for, kids to babysit, people who need to talk, cleaning to be done, packing to be done...so, I've gotta keep it together and keep going, right?

Today, I started thinking about it again...maybe I've got it wrong...maybe it's like on Scrubs where Elliot is worried that she'll freak out her new boyfriend by being too crazy and Carla tells her to let it out in little bursts. Maybe that's my problem. I have this idea that I have to fall apart once and be over it...instead of admitting I'm broken lots of times...and letting God work in me and change me in those moments every day. I mean, there's nothing saying everything needs to be a giant, dramatic change, right? I mean, no reason it can't be a slow process of readjustment or something, right? I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe I don't need to put off this falling apart business...maybe I don't need to only be broken one time...kind of doing maintenance work...well, I don't know if it's maintenance if it's already broken...doing a little bit each time...maybe that's a wussy way...I can't decide...is it wussy to only admit to being a little bit vulnerable, a little bit broken each day? Or is it wussy to keep trying to ignore your brokenness, waiting for a giant upheaval...an overhaul of sorts?

I've been trying to pray each day...as I wrestle with all the stuff going on inside...but it's not entirely working...*sigh* I know it's wrong, but a part of me keeps hoping the next day will be easier, the next day will be better...I'll wake up and it won't be as bad...but I know that takes work...work that I honestly commit to doing and stop dragging my feet about.