Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

Boy is that question on my mind and heart right now. It's practically all I think about...not really...but it DOES keep coming up. I'm getting ready for camp -- packing, praying, etc. And let me just tell you: I'm terrified about going to camp. TERRIFIED. I am horrified to go...and the anticipation and the anxiety are killing me. I cried a lot on Sunday thinking about camp and what not...and I just got out of bed from a bout of bawling and crippling fear. It was intensely crazy. I read some more out of Captivating, which really got the waterworks flowing it has struck a chord with me...deep in my heart.

One of the parts that truly hit me was in the chapter about Satan's hatred for femininity. This is one of the passages that brought me to tears:

"He is the one who has done these things in order to prevent your restoration. For that is what he fears. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and your life-giving heart."

I feel very tormented right now. I feel terrified about camp. I'm horrified that I may not be awesome enough or amazing enough to be at camp for the summer. I already know some of the leadership and a couple of the counselors and support crew, and they are all AMAZING people with AMAZING gifts. I worry that I'll be the weakest link. That I don't have anything to offer. I worry that I won't fit in, that no one will like me, that I'll spend the summer feeling lonely and out of place. I'm afraid that I won't do well...I'm so scared. I'm so excited...I'm so scared!

One of my friends told me that I just had to get through this week...that it'll be better once I get to camp. I feel like it's that way with a lot of aspects of my life right now. I mean, I've been seeking healing. I've been seeking restoration. I've been seeking truth. I've been seeking knowledge. And I look at my friends who are on the other side of some of the decisions I need to make...they're in a better place...or they're just already at camp. Sometimes, I feel like I'm stuck in I'm pushing through a wall...or like I'm in a wall of fire and my friends are already out of it. They promise that while it won't be perfect or ideal once I get through, but that it'll be better...Sometimes, I feel frustrated and sometimes I just want to shout at one of my friends to pull me through. I mean, I just want the pain over...I want to stop feeling so tortured...I wish they could speed it up...I know they can't. I just. When I'm lying in my bed crying, I just want it all to be over...I want to survive...I want to push through. I pray that I just keep going.

I pray my friend is right, that the fact that I'm scared to death is a sign that this summer will be truly amazing. I pray that the fact that I'm terrified and weepy is a sign that I do have something to offer and that I do have awesome gifts to contribute to the awesomeness of this summer at camp.

Well, on that note...back to packing.

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