Wednesday, September 24, 2008

All Ova' Da' Place

So, life’s different…but tumultuous? I dislike using that word, but it seems it’s the best I’ve got right now. I mean, it seems like such a cop-out…like it implies I’m somehow special in life sucking from time to time. I don’t even really know what to say, right now. The past few days, I’ve felt weepy at times, and last night was…no good. It was reminiscent of the early stages of many a no-good day. Where I’m excessively pleased with my empty stomach…and certain I will fail nursing – certain I can’t learn this content and apply it in a sensible way…convinced that I shouldn’t have facebooked people because they’re probably getting sick of me, if they aren’t sick of me already – I should probably quit bugging them…a night where I lie in bed irritated by life…and thinking about how fast my heart is racing (thanks to the gratuitous amounts of coffee I drank to try to pick myself up), wondering what it’d be like for my heart to give out while I slept, realizing you can’t drink THAT much coffee – unless I paired it with way too many prescription pills – but that’s impractical…so, with tears rolling down my eyes, I curled up, praying God would hold me and went to sleep.

So, then, after a night of weird dreams…again…I wake up feeling refreshed and energetic and clear-headed. So clear-headed I almost didn’t drink my morning coffee (it tastes soo good, okay?).

Okay…so, I’ve been in dark places before…nights worse than last night…and had that go on for weeks…I figured I’d have those times again this fall…but things are different now. I have hope and faith…Yeah…Like I have faith that God will use me and guide me to somewhere awesome (I’ve been thinking more and more about going overseas, for the record)…I have faith that God will bring me through…He is my hope. Isn’t there like a verse…something about “our ever-present hope in times of trouble”? Or is that liturgy…either way it just leapt into my head. I have faith that God will hear me when I cry, hold me and never let go…it’s really weird for me…Sometimes I think that I’m kind of slow to get on the religious train…have to be certain and go through many doubts before I realize truth…maybe that’s my perception…but that’s how I feel…I feel that I wade out into the waters, rather than diving in…I guess I have the child-like faith of a timid child (which is weird…cause except for in the case of swimming lessons, I wasn’t one). Point is…I feel like I have more faith…or am stronger in my faith…in my faith that there is a God, one who cares for me and loves and will care for me, even though I can’t say I’m supa solid.

Here’s another big thing I’m growing in…self-care/recognizing need for care. Yeah…like I’ve been sleeping more and more regularly. I don’t really stay up late to work. When I get tired and start struggling to focus, I go to bed (which has been earlier and earlier…but consistent). When I’m hungry, I eat. I’ve been getting like 6-8 hours of sleep…usually closer to 8 hours…I know, weird, right? The weirdest part, I’ve felt less guilty about like sleeping and stuff…less guilty about making sure I’m taken care of (that’s worded strangely…it’s not that I’m doing it all on my own). Like, I don’t feel guilty about sleeping because I do better when I’m well-rested. Once again, my book encouraged me in this. Mother Teresa was talking to the sisters in her convent and expressing her beliefs about not needing to give penance to God in the form of fasting or denying sleep but rather making certain that you are in good health and well rested so that you can give yourself fully to God when serving the poor, the destitute, etc. I mean, she’s right…not that I just believe it because I read it in the book…but it’s like I was coming to this realization and then read it in print and then realized I’d been moving in that direction…if that makes sense. I mean, how can I care for others, if I’m not caring for myself. If I’m tired and weak and sick, I have less of myself to give. Now, granted it’s God who does the work anyway, but I guess…it’s about offering myself to Him and His service…and treating well the body that He has blessed me with…Yup. Maybe when I master this sleeping and eating and Bible reading thing…I’ll be able to add exercise into the balance. Yeah! IDK…just a thought.

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