Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Facing demons...or...Rollerblading with my eyes shut

Ok, how Rocky and Bullwinkle is that title?!?! Whoa. Seriously though, I just got back from rollerblading...for an hour and a half...it was fantastic...even though it really was a journey that involved facing demons of the past and picking at scabs on my heart...But much healing was done. I rollerbladed to the places that I haunted when I was dating Bryce, places I've been avoiding for nearly two years, places that were too full of memories for me to stand a few months ago...but I survived...I did more than survive. We triumphed. Yeah, that's right, God and I triumphed. God can do all things, you know, and as Deuteronomy 20:4 says, "For the LORD your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you."

That's King James speak for "God will lead you into battle. He will vanquish your enemies so that He might save you from them." Why would He do that? Because He loves us. He's been working on healing my heart and vanquishing the demons that lingered after that breakup ever since the break up occured -- long before I got up the nerve to face those demons. I was like the lone gunsman who walked in the wake of the blitzkrieg. The work had already been done, everything was leveled. If there happened to be an enemy waiting for me, he was probably so badly wounded and shaken up that I could easily handle him.

I mean, I revisited those places, allowed myself to think about the memories, and then released them to Christ. I was astonished to find how easy and painless it was...I hadn't realized that God had healed me so thoroughly, that He'd strengthened me that much.

It made me think about Isaiah 30:15 "For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not." Returning to God, leaving behind the past, and resting in His mercy will save us. Quietly following the Lord and remaining confident in His promises will give us strength. However, we usually fail to do any of that, and if we do it...it doesn't usually last long.

Yet, if even for tonight, I am content...I am at peace...I feel restored...I feel...more pure...I feel forgiven...I feel loved...Doubts may creep in tomorrow, but I pray that they don't. I like being here...next to my God. I feel...as if I actually have faith...something I've struggled with...for as long as I can remember...true faith...Hebrews 11:1 faith: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Faith that God knows the desires of my heart and will bless me beyond my wildest dreams. Faith that God always has my best interest in mind. Faith that God has been working in me and through me, though I don't know how or when...and that He'll continue to do so...in ways I can't even imagine.

For those of you more lyrically oriented, here's the soundtrack for this experience -- "Let it All Out" Relient K:
Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed
cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Rememberthe end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in methere is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for youand I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

P.S. - My alternate title refers to the fact that I rollerbladed down a hill with my eyes shut...which is a huge leap of faith for me...because I've always been afraid of rollerblading downhill.


Anonymous said...

I hate rollerblading downhill too! You get bonus points for doing it!

Anonymous said...

Fully healing and facing demons are tough work for those who do it without God by their side. He is our strength and our protector and, as you said, there to lead us through all of our battles.
It is always hard dealing with painful memories, especially when it comes to loved ones and pleasant times turned sour. I experienced similar healing excursions and always found that it was much easier when I asked God to help me through and heal my wounds and face those demons.
You should never fear your demons or doubt the course you have chosen, because God will always lead you on the right path. You are one one of his faithful children, and he will never let you go astray.