Thursday, June 01, 2006

Hey, everyone, come see how good I look!

I don't know that I look any better than I did in...well...any time before today...but I do feel good. I feel..beautiful. I feel captivating. I feel feminine and magnificent. I think the times I've felt prettiest in my life have been the times that I've been single. Relationships don't make me feel pretty...they make me feel insecure...nervous...inadequate. I mean, I always feel like I'm a disappointment to whoever I'm in a relationship with. I feel like he could find someone more attractive or more fashionable or more fabulous. I worry that he will suddenly see me as plain. I worry that he'll become dissatisfied with my taste in clothing or something. I worry that he'll see the way I'm changing and will despise it. I constantly worry. I felt like some trophy in every relationship I was in, and if I were to become less attractive, he would become less interested because he couldn't show me off. I was some shiny toy he could show off to his friends. Yet, even though he was showing me off, I felt...dull...

I'm happier, now, though. I'm single, again. I can focus on my relationship with God, again. God and I are tight, and that's why I feel gorgeous because He always thinks I'm beautiful. He always finds me captivating. He allows me to be beautiful in my own be beautiful Takara...not just a beautiful woman.

I really want to marry a man who can love me like that, or at least be close...I know that no man can be as good as God.

I figure I'll know that he's the one when I truly feel beautiful around him, when I am able to be my beautiful self around him, when my view of my beauty is not tainted by anxieties...because I don't have any.

Until then, though, just know that I feel pretty. ;)

1 comment:

Heart of Steel said...

I'm glad you're focusing on God and your relationship with Him. It's the most important thing.