A Little More Than Useless...I hope

Song lyrics I'll be referencing:

More Than Useless by Relient K

I feel like, I would like

To be somewhere else doing something that matters

And I'll admit here, while I sit here

My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless

So unwanted like I've lost all my value

I can't find it, not in the least bit

and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all

And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all

But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless

And when I think that I can't do this

You promise me that I'll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant

I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted

And nothing trivial, that life could give me will

Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book

Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone

And I bet, that regret

Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all

And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all

But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless

And when I think that I can't do this

You promise me that I'll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless

And I never knew I knew this

Was gonna the day, gonna be the day

That I would do something right

Do something right for once

I notice, I know this

Week is a symbol of how I use my time

Resent it, I spent it

Convincing myself the world's doing just fine

Without me

Doing anything of any consequence

Without me

Showing any sign of ever making sense

Of my time , it's my life

And my right, to use it like I should

Like he would, for the good

Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless

When I think that I can't do this

You promise me that I'll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless

And I never knew I knew this

Was gonna the day, gonna be the day

That I would do something right

Do something right for once

I guess I'm having one of those days where I feel...unimportant, unnecessary, unwanted...it just seems like I don't matter...like no one cares if they get to see me, or if they get to talk to me, like the things I say and the things I do don't really matter...like...I'm just...here...a frill...if you get to see me, woo-hoo for you...if not, meh...I suppose that's not true. I pray that the Lord is using me in some way, shape, or form, but I don't know how. I mean, my girls' group is dwindling, my friends here at home seem to have lost interest in talking with me...I suppose we've just grown apart or something, I work in a factory...I feel...hopeless...I feel like giving up...like ending the girls' group and just trying to survive the summer until I can go back to Brookings...but then again, what's waiting for me there? Don't get me wrong, I really do love Pella, I really do love my friends, but...I don't feel like I belong here anymore...I think that's what's bugging me more than anything else. I was reading Real Sex today (a fantastic book, by the way) It talked a lot about household and community. It got me thinking...I mean, it talked about a household as a place where people not ony live together, but are united in mission. It talked about how, as Christians, we live in community. We live in communion with our spouse, our neighborhood, our church, our town. We belong to a community of believers. That's supposed to mean that we care about what's going on in each other's lives because...we're in it together. We share in the day-to-day matters of each other's lives, forming bonds, enjoying each other's company as we do the little things like grocery shopping and running to the post office. We're able to be with each other in the small things, which enables us to be there for each other through the big things. Our sense of community allows us to lovingly correct each other, advise each other, and direct each other back toward God and His plans for our lives. I would love to live in a community -- a community of people who would see me struggling and reach out -- who would enjoy my company while running errends. As I thought on it more, I realized that I do have some friends that do care about me like that -- people who will lovingly correct me when I'm being dumb...or will express concern...but it seems all those people are back at school, not here in Pella...

I don't know that I fit in here anymore...I feel like a visitor, not a part of the community, not like a member of my circle of friends...We've become very different...and it's really hard on me...it's making this summer hard on me...it makes me feel very alone because as I try to learn and grow in my faith, as I seek to serve the Lord, no one's there to encourage...or to assist...it makes me feel...alone...and uninteresting...it's a hard time to be alone...but I suppose there's a reason...I suppose it'll help me grow...I mean, I keep saying that I'm happy to be single, content, that it's bringing opportunities...and it's true...there are more opportunities...and I don't really want a boyfriend or anything...I just...want to belong...somewhere..I want to live in community with someone sometime...I'd love to belong to a church that would care about me like that...as a community...of believers...that'd be intensely awesome...

I suppose that's it for today's ramblings...I have a parade to catch.