Tuesday, February 07, 2006

that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love

For those of you who don't know, I am in love. I love my God. I've stumbled a lot, lately...in so many grievous ways, but...when it comes right down to it, my God loves me even more than I love Him. Why? I don't know, exactly. I don't deserve it, but He loves me just the same. My lovely title is from a song by Casting Crowns, "Who Am I?" I must say, that I found myself asking that a lot, today, "Who am I that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again?" Now, if that isn't love, I don't know what is. I'm glad that I was able to remember that I have that love in my life, especially now, right before Valentine's Day. Yeah, I have friends, even a courter, but...the love they show me is nothing compared to the love of God. As wonderful as they are, they're flawed. God loves me perfectly, and it is because of His love that my friends know how to love me, and how I learn to love them. So, how was I reminded of this remarkable truth? Rebecca St. James/Barlow Girl concert. How? Well, if you didn't know, music is like an inherent part of me. I breathe music like I breathe air. Without music, I turn blue. Without music, I whither. Just like inhaling is one of the fastest means to get a substance into the blood stream (second only to an intravenous injection), music is one of the quickest paths to my soul (second only to prayer). Music moves me in ways that can't be explained, moves me to tears and into a state of peace...whether I'm playing it myself or listening to a skilled musician, I become absorbed in the music. So, a concert was just what I needed to make me really settle down and understand what I needed to do. I needed to reconnect with God. So, when it came time, I went up front and prayed with a stranger about the burdens I'd been carrying. Then, I went in another room and prayed with a woman, talked with her about the hardships I've had lately, the loneliness, the desperation, the homesickness, the feeling of distance between me and any semblence of comfort. It's just what I needed. I got to stand up front and let the music wash over me as I communed with my God. Maybe it sounds cheesy to you, but I found the solace I needed. I realized that I can't do any of this on my own, I need my God. I recommited my life to God, last night. It's quite possibly the best thing I could have done. I feel so much better, so much more hopeful. I'm still far from the ones I love, but I have God, and that's more than enough. I had a wonderful day, today. It is by God's grace that I was able to rely on Him, today. It is only through Him that I had the strength to follow Him, however imperfectly today. I just pray that God would sustain me that I might be able to follow in His footsteps and fulfill His glorious will for me. I pray that I can stay by His side. I pray that I will have the humility needed to call to Him in the hard times and the faith to allow Him to guide me back to the right path.

No comments: