Saturday, October 04, 2008

Keeping the Headphones On

I've always used music to escape. If I put my headphones on, I can drown out the world...or at least part of it. Like before competitions and auditions and stuff, I'd listen to music...just loud enough to drown out my anxiety, but not so much that I couldn't talk with my friends. Or at speech competitions, it was loud enough that all I could hear was myself.

I still employ that defense mechanism. I like to ignore problems...deny that they are occurring...feigned ignorance is pseudo-bliss. Lately, my avoidant behavior has been extremely noticeable. I'm back to avoiding sleep sometimes, though I'm much better at making myself go to bed, but then I feel so bombarded with crap and start to get upset and beat down and start to lose hope...so, I listen to sermons and play solitaire on my ipod until I'm too tired to keep my eyes open. Then, I turn off the ipod, let myself cry for a few minutes and fall asleep to strange, strange dreams. It's my stupid way of trying to cope. It seems a lot of nights, lately, I've just been hit with ideas that I'm a nuisance and that people aren't really my friends, that I have nothing to offer, that I was a horrible camp counselor and shouldn't be trusted to be around/teach children, that I'll probably make an awful nurse IF I graduate...that I have nothing to offer...that I'm all alone...that I've been forgotten and abandoned...that my thoughts of serving others are really selfish because I can't do them any good anyway...etc. But I can ignore those things with my headphones on, kind of. I can ignore them until I work out the nerve to cry out to God to take them away and then cry a little as I reflect on how awful it was to have those thoughts in my head again...It's hard...

I was asked why I thought was going on. I believe I responded, "I don't know", which really means, "I just don't want to know". It's true...I want to rationalize it...that I'm just up too late or stressed out...that I haven't been talking with my friends enough...and while that might contribute, I know that's not all it is. But I just don't want to think about it...or maybe I'm too pinned under it all to think about it. I mean, the questions are What's going on? And why? Well, if what's going on is some spiritual warfare/opposition, which I do believe it is...then, the question becomes why? I cry at the thought becuase I don't see the point in picking on me. I'm not doing anything...I don't have anything to offer...but the fact that it happens implies that I am doing something, that I am a threat somehow...but I don't get it. I have this feeling that I could get it if I wanted to...that if I thought about it, I would realize what things were being opposed...but I think I've believed too many of the lies to believe that's possible...like I start to think about it but end up going, "Well, it can't be that...that's no big deal...that's nothing of consequence...and so I end up where I started...

I think what thwarts me is my lack of confidence...my desire to remain ignorant, even though I'm not...and can't really pretend much longer. Somehow, it seems it would be different if I could say, "This is important. God is calling me to this. God has His hand in this." without ending those phrases with "I think...or I hope...or maybe..." That I could say, "I'm experiencing some spiritual warfare...I've felt really attacked in this area or because this endeavor is opposed." or something...and not end it with a question mark? *sigh* I wish I wouldn't judge myself as silly for thinking that way...why do I have to judge myself? Always...Always with the judging...

There are so many awesome things God and I have talked about lately. I wish I would have written them down and sent them to someone so they could remind me of them sometimes...because when I try to remember, I start to think I made it all up. Being in my mental health rotation doesn't help...I mean, they talk about some people's symptoms and I find myself thinking, what if I'm crazy? What if this God stuff just means I'm crazy? Then I think maybe the difference is that I'm "functional". Regardless, it makes it hard for me to really have faith in the things I've seen God do...and the things He's teaching me. *grimace and emo tear*

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