I sometimes really hate being asked how I’m doing. I don’t know most of the time. I’m functional. I’m not hopeless. I’m really great in some ways, mostly functional ways…I’m getting a lot done and doing well in class, etc. But…teetering on the edge of pain…I’ve been crying more and more, agitated more and more, sleeping less and less…But why you may ask? Also a good question…I don’t entirely know.
I don’t know where the trigger was. I do know how it spiraled…I started worrying that I was bothering others…so, I isolated myself…and then things got worse. That’s part of the reason why I don’t know what to say when someone asks me how I am…in some ways, I’m struggling a lot…but I’m afraid to tell that to anyone…I wouldn’t want them to be bothered…I don’t want to be a downer—a personal rain cloud. Ugh…I hate that, once again, this is something I’ve been talking with others about. I was just talking with someone who was nervous to tell her mom about a problem she was having. I know that she can’t get the help she needs if she doesn’t tell someone. I know that she can’t get better or heal if she keeps it all to herself. I know that the lies in her head have so much more power if she keeps them to herself…the shame and the pain have power if she hides it…Those lies can’t have power, can’t withstand being in the light and love of Christ. Hard part, as I discussed that with her…as I thought that…I realized that I needed to hear that, too. I needed to not let myself turn in on myself. I couldn’t continue to be isolated…I need others…I need the light and love of Christ.
Now, I’m at a point where I wonder why I’m in this place. I mean, didn’t I learn anything over the summer? I thought I had learned some about love and care and had become better at letting others care for me and better at asking for help…not stellar…but better. Last night, I was in bed thinking, “I must not have learned anything. I must not have improved at all. I’m just doomed to go back to where I was.” Guess what. That’s not true. I’m appalled that I even thought it. So, why am I backsliding? Why can’t I get a footing? Can I pull out of this tailspin? Yes, with the help of Christ…Do I have enough in me to ask Him to save me and pull me out of it? I sure hope so. I can’t stay like this. I don’t want to stay like this. *sigh*