Friday, February 08, 2008

Just a big softy...

Okay. So, here's the deal. This is the second draft of this post. I just deleted the last one because it meandered around until I realized that this is what I really want to talk about today.

So, here's part of the inspiration: I was listening to my friend's recordings on myspace. One of the songs he sang was "This is a Call Out" by Thousand Foot Krutch. The words made me feel exposed because it sounded a lot like a story of the past few weeks of my life. Yay....Anyway, so here are the lyrics....my thoughts will continue below them.

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this

CHORUS
She's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he's starting to get nervous

CHORUS
He's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone

CHORUS
I'm calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

So, yeah...guess what...I totally try to pretend I'm all strong and tough and okay. I try to convince myself and everyone else that I'm so together. I do all the things I should do...you know, study, do my homework, go to church even...just so I seem okay...but lately, I haven't been a lot of the time...I've kind of been doing this rollercoaster thing where I'd wake up fine and then I'd crash and then things would get better and then I'd crash again! grrr...Anyway, I prefer to keep such things to myself and just deal with them. Because it's easier. Plus, to share such things would be to share with others that I'm crazy and a bit neurotic...and that would make me feel...messy. I don't like to feel messy because it makes me feel like a burden and a bother. I just can't handle that. But thankfully (though I don't always appreciate it), God has blessed me with good friends that actually ask me how I am and friends that invite me places. He even uses some of my friends to provide me with opportunities to serve Him. He uses my friends to draw me out of my hard candy shell...well...it's probably not a candy shell...plus, I'm not chocolately, pretty sure. Maybe I'm more like an oyster...and he prys open my shell to bring out the big soft lump that is me? I dunno. Regardless, God keeps presenting me with opportunities that draw me out and connect me with others. They remind me that I'm a big softy. I care about people and love them even when they don't love me...I just do...I hate putting myself out there like that, but when it happens, I end up caring about people and loving on them...usually...sometimes, if it's a truly stellar God moment, I even acknowledge that other people love and care about me. :P For instance, God via John and Nyla gave me the chance this last weekend to go to the Youth Quake in Sufu. And guess what! I ended up loving and caring about those middle school girls and the high school girls that came along...and I even made new friends! Whoa! It was pretty intense and made me feel crazy vulnerable. I'm still coping with that. I feel very exposed lately...soft and squishy...and for once, I'm not only referring to my soft and squishy tummy...I'm talking about emotionally...I'm feeling exposed. I'm feeling vulnerable because I feel out there. I feel connected to people, which means that I'm worried that I'll become messy or a burden...it means that I'm scared that I might get hurt. But at the same time, I feel great...I feel blessed and I feel warm because I genuinely love all the people I bonded with.

I guess, today, I feel like a big softy in every sense of the word (I tried on clothes today...so, yes, I'm feeling physically soft, too :P). Is it a good thing? I don't know. It could go either way, I suppose. But right now, I have faith that God will use it for good...in my life and others, hopefully...to show me that I'm valuable and have something to offer...maybe even that I am beautiful? And in other lives, maybe show them that they are so loved? I don't know...I can't pretend to know right now. All I can say is that I feel soft and exposed. And I'm trying to have faith in God so I can remain that way...I'm trying not to retreat into my shell too quickly.

Oh, and the whole trying to find her purpose...so applies here! Because maybe part of my purpose is to like...love people? and care about them? Wow...that's way too much positivity directed at myself for one day...so, I will not be exploring that right now. I just wanted to throw the topic out there.