Sunday, January 27, 2008

Settling Down

Is settling a conscious decision? Do you know when you're settling? Is settling giving up? Is settling taking the easy way out? Is it the defeat of the will? And what is the opposite of settling? Moving forward? Pushing beyond? Taking a leap of faith?

Maybe settling is merely accepting less than you're worth? Less than you deserve? In that case, then to not settle would be to strive for what you know you deserve, to believe that you are truly valuable and worthy and living up to that? Or something like that, anyway....

I wonder about these things because I'm pretty sure I have tried to settle and have settled in the past. However, by the same token, I think there are times when others have accused me of settling when I believe I was just marching to the beat of my own drum. Like my major, so many accused me of choosing a major that undermined my gifts and my potential. They believed I was selling myself short by choosing nursing instead of pursuing a medical degree or some other prestigious, smarty pants major. Or my school, some felt I was once again selling my self short by not applying to the ivy leagues, by choosing a cheap state school in the heart of the midwest.

With the decisions staring me in the face and my conflicting thoughts and feelings regarding them, I can't seem to tell which choice is me "settling" in order to appease others or avoid my fears of failure and which choice is the one I'm actually called to pursue. I mean, my family seems to always complicate things. A part of me so doesn't want to go back home for the summer, but I do care about how my parents feel and what they think. And there's always my sisters, blood and otherwise...and my fear of missing out on a great opportunity, my fear of being left behind, my fear that this one opportunity is all I'll get. I recently got a call from the Pella Hospital HR department...asking me where I'm at in my decision making process. They're "not pressuring me", and they "don't expect me to answer just yet, but I can't help but feel a bit of anxiety over it...a bit of concern...a bit of pressure to decide...It's a great position. It's a great opportunity for me to learn and make money and network; it could lead to a future job, and it would look great on my resume. But I can't help but think that some of the pressure I feel is from my fear that this is the only position out there for me. I realize that the positions aren't all finalized. Few of the facilities have finished making their calls, but with each passing day, each time I hear from home, I worry that that's all there is for me. I feel bad for saying that because it wouldn't be terrible to be home with my family, working in that hospital, having a paid internship...I feel terrible because a big part of me is praying for something else, something it like before when I was in relationships that I knew weren't the end all be all but was worried I'd never find someone else, someone better? Or am I just getting cold feet? I need to hold off and wait, I'm sure...but I am so nervous about calling back the HR department and saying I need more time. And by the same token, I'm a little scared that I might, one day, have to tell my mother that I want to go pursue an opportunity somewhere else. I just dread letting anyone down, especially myself, I guess?

There is so much I want. So much I want to do. So much I want to be a part of. I'm almost kicking myself for looking into these other opportunities, for branching out and exploring my interests and passions and exploring the possibilities. If I'd never explored it, I'd never have wanted something more. I'd never have even thought of going somewhere else. I wouldn't be here thinking these things over. One day, I suppose I'll settle down...I just pray I'll be settling into the spot I was born to fill...I won't have to leave a part of me behind...I won't be settling for less and trying to be something I'm not. I'll be settling in and feeling at home in my own skin, knowing I'm just where I ought to be...if that's even possible.

No comments: