Saturday, January 05, 2008

Reflecting on Christmas

Christmas is a weird time for me. I really love parts of it, and other parts are almost awkward for me. I mean, I love some of our family's traditions. But presents? That's...well, that's another story. This year I really realized how much NOT a present person I am. I have always kind of hated that about myself. Like if you're one of those love languages is definitely bottom of the totem pole in my world. Quality Time? Heck yes! Acts of service? Woo-hoo! Physical touch? Yes, please. Words of affirmation? Sure. I like to understand what's going on, and I cherish letters and whatnot.

I like to believe my dislike or inability to understand gift giving is part of what has made me a horrible girlfriend and makes holidays awkward for me. Ok. That's a bit of an exaggeration. Part of the problem is that some people don't realize that about me and interpret my appreciation for the gift and their effort as like being lukewarm about the relationship. I just don't typically get giddy about presents. So, even when my dad gave me my acoustic electric bass guitar (which I retrieved from my sister's closet)...there were no shrieks or giddy giggles or squeals of joy. I can recall a handful of those, but honestly they only occur over extremely thoughtful, unexpected, and useful gifts. Like that's how I roll. I get excited over very little things. So, sometimes, those more grand gestures...I just don't know what to do with them. I would like to think some of that is that many of those gestures weren't very specific to the things that do rev my engine, so to speak...they were kind of blanket romantic gestures. I don't know. *shrugs* I don't want to make a tremendous deal out of it. I just thought on it briefly over Christmas. Like buying presents can be hard for me unless I buy them throughout the year, like when I see something that makes me think of that person. Which made it especially weird for me when I did randomly decide to get presents for some of my friends. Like I was really nervous to give them to my friends 'cause I was afraid it was too weird...'cause I felt weird...I don't know...I guess I always worry my affection, intentions, etc. are unclear when I give a gift. I just don't know that a present will show just how much that person really means to me. Plus, I do often have an aversion to the acquiring of random it's funny and cute, but I don't like piles of things that have no purpose...but at the same time...I am sentimental (especially lately) and have a hard time getting rid of something if I love the person who gave it to me. What a quandary. Kind of a delightful one, if I didn't have friends that I wouldn't be an issue at, praise God for that...and for learning more about myself? I don't know. I think my brain's tired or something.

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