It's true. Everything I've been reading in Captivating is true. I do want romance; I want to be pursued. I want to be an important and necessary part of an adventure; I long to be needed. I want to be beautiful....
When I was little, I wanted people to be fascinated by me...to think I was special and worth their time. I was a charmer and an entertainer...I sang and told jokes...I danced and smiled.
I grew up. I don't know when it was that I started to realize that I was different...when I started to realize that not everyone wanted to see what I could do...that not everyone cares about Takara.
Maybe it was middle school. I kept trying to find ways to make me stand out. Labels that would set me apart as special and interesting and amazing. I was the "tall one"...I tried to be an athlete. I was a musician for a while...a bassoonist. I was the smart one. Nothing worked. Maybe that's why I was anorexic; I don't even quite know why I was, anymore. It hasn't mattered.
The real point is the fact that I'm almost grown up, now. I don't get to hide behind accomplishments and hobbies. I can't use them to make myself seem more important...I'm too old for that...I've tried to cope a bajillion different ways. I've managed to be both the timid girl that hides behind busyness to avoid letting people see her as well as the controlling girl who tries not to need anyone...yeah, I'm not very good at not needing people, but the fact of the matter is that I actually am broken...or fallen. I'm not the kind of woman I was made to be, and it kind of kills me inside. It scares me. Even though I'm reading a book that talks about how every woman is beautiful, though they typically have their doubts about it, I feel like it's true for everyone but me. Example: I was reading out at the dam, today...I sat in a tree and read a chapter before walking back to my car. As I walked, I thought about how there were too many people around. I wondered if they were looking at me. A part of me hoped they were and that they were thinking about the beautiful girl out at the river by herself...but another part of me dreaded the thought of them looking at me. I mean what if they were actually thinking about how my hair was looking sloppy and how my hips are too wide...what if they saw that I wasn't showing my teeth when I smiled or...something...
It just seems a wee bit ironic that I could talk to young girls about how they are beautiful and precious and deserve to be treated as such...when I struggle to say that to myself...or treat myself that way...
So, just as my book suggests, I am plagued by questions: Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?
I don't know that I'm looking for anyone to post answers...I don't know if I'd believe them...I mean, they'd just be words...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Jesus is captivated by you. You're his greatest love..
Post a Comment