*sigh* There's so much on my mind, again...probably because in my 10 hours on the assembly I have a lot of time to think. I'm excited and scared about the girls' group this summer. I mean, the opportunity is exciting and things are falling into place, which is typically a sign that I am pursuing God's will and not just some whim of my own, but I'm so anxious...I mean, do you believe in spiritual warfare? Not everyone does, but I do, especially right now. It seems whenever I get going on something having to do with the girls' group, whenever I'm getting stuff together for the retreat or for our first meeting, I'm suddenly hit with fear and doubts and insecurities. Like when I was mailing out invitations to all the girls at church, I was so afraid because some of those girls I didn't know and some of them, I don't expect to come, and some came last year but I don't know if they'll be disappointed to see my name on the letter. I mean, who wants to spend the summer with me? Who really wants to spend time talking with me about what it means to be a girl of God? I don't have any of the answers, I know that. God is the only one who can answer the questions because it's perfectly clear that I am not a godly woman....yet? The dumb part is the fact that as I prepare to talk to these girls about how they are beautiful, how they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139), I'm hit with concerns about my recent weight gain, with the fact that I now way as much as I did my freshman year of high school, before I was all anorexic...I finally gained the weight back, and it scares me a bit...I wasn't happy when I was here before, but choosing to work my butt off to lose all that weight never made me happy either...So clearly, it's not an issue of weight, it's an issue of how I look at myself in the mirror. The solution is not to work out for hours and count calories, it's to work on my insides so I can look at myself in the mirror, no matter how bit I am, and tell myself that I truly am beautiful. I guess I'm scared and unsure about the girls' group ministry this summer. I mean, I feel called to be doing it, I have a vision for where to take it, but...I feel so...doubted...I doubt my abilities, and it seems that some of the people around me doubt my abilities, my motives, my decision to spend my money on it...I just...need to pray, I guess. I would appreciate your prayers as well. It'd help a lot...it'd also help if there was someone else who cared to hear my plans, someone who could be excited with me and share in my passion and my vision...but I'm not alone...God is with me, and He shares my passion and vision for these young ladies because He loves them, too. So, by God's grace and with His strength, I'll press on.
(Sidenote: I want to thank the anonymous blogger who has been posting...you've encouraged me on a number of days, now...that means a lot to me.)