Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Under attack...good thing I have friends

*sigh* There's so much on my mind, again...probably because in my 10 hours on the assembly I have a lot of time to think. I'm excited and scared about the girls' group this summer. I mean, the opportunity is exciting and things are falling into place, which is typically a sign that I am pursuing God's will and not just some whim of my own, but I'm so anxious...I mean, do you believe in spiritual warfare? Not everyone does, but I do, especially right now. It seems whenever I get going on something having to do with the girls' group, whenever I'm getting stuff together for the retreat or for our first meeting, I'm suddenly hit with fear and doubts and insecurities. Like when I was mailing out invitations to all the girls at church, I was so afraid because some of those girls I didn't know and some of them, I don't expect to come, and some came last year but I don't know if they'll be disappointed to see my name on the letter. I mean, who wants to spend the summer with me? Who really wants to spend time talking with me about what it means to be a girl of God? I don't have any of the answers, I know that. God is the only one who can answer the questions because it's perfectly clear that I am not a godly woman....yet? The dumb part is the fact that as I prepare to talk to these girls about how they are beautiful, how they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139), I'm hit with concerns about my recent weight gain, with the fact that I now way as much as I did my freshman year of high school, before I was all anorexic...I finally gained the weight back, and it scares me a bit...I wasn't happy when I was here before, but choosing to work my butt off to lose all that weight never made me happy either...So clearly, it's not an issue of weight, it's an issue of how I look at myself in the mirror. The solution is not to work out for hours and count calories, it's to work on my insides so I can look at myself in the mirror, no matter how bit I am, and tell myself that I truly am beautiful. I guess I'm scared and unsure about the girls' group ministry this summer. I mean, I feel called to be doing it, I have a vision for where to take it, but...I feel so...doubted...I doubt my abilities, and it seems that some of the people around me doubt my abilities, my motives, my decision to spend my money on it...I just...need to pray, I guess. I would appreciate your prayers as well. It'd help a'd also help if there was someone else who cared to hear my plans, someone who could be excited with me and share in my passion and my vision...but I'm not alone...God is with me, and He shares my passion and vision for these young ladies because He loves them, too. So, by God's grace and with His strength, I'll press on.

(Sidenote: I want to thank the anonymous blogger who has been've encouraged me on a number of days, now...that means a lot to me.)


Anonymous said...

for your sidenote: I believe that you have two people who are writing comments, not just one. I know that I have posted a comment but not all of the ones that are online.

-Just an anonymous friend

Takytulips said...

My apologies. I guess I'm more blessed than I thought.

Anonymous said...

It's true. I am the second anonymous commenter. Even if that weren't the case and you had only the one anonymous commentor, you are indeed blessed. You should never doubt that. When the world gets you down and has you questioning yourself, remember that God is always there for you and will always love you for who you are.
I have no doubt that your girls' group will go wonderfully. Being in a position like yours is a bit of a responsibility and can be a bit stressful at times, but I know that you have the strength of character and personality and an unshakable faith that will get you through whatever happens. You are doing great work in God's name, and I know he will be there for you every step of the way. He will help comfort your insecurities and show you the way.
I haven't always been happy about my weight, either. There are times where it makes me feel really unattractive or undesirable. I've come to realize, though, that my weight and my appearance do not define who I am, and I am happy now with the way I am. If people don't like me just because of my weight, then that is their problem. If you truly want to change for yourself, then I support that. If you want to change simply for acceptance or because you think it will make you more desirable/attractive, then I don't know if that will truly make you happy. You might end up getting the attention of people who admire you more for your looks than your mind and soul.
I have a story to share, and I hope it isn't taken the wrong way. It's a real story that seems appropriate to share at this time... I can remember you from your freshman year of high school. That was the first time I had ever seen you, and I don't think your weight ever crossed my mind. I remember that you were a very fun person with a great level of energy and a personality that always made me smile and wish that I had known you sooner. To be honest, I thought you were very attractive then. I'm sure you still are, so you need not worry about things like weight or other physical changes. You are still the same wonderful Takara, and that's what really matters.

Anonymous said...

I think that this quote goes very well with your post. “God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight." I'm not saying that the girls' group is a burden, but you are the one leading it because you can handle it. I am sure that there are other girls out there that will benefit by just knowing you. I am sure that you will be the best role model that you can be. I won't worry about weight. I once dated a guy that told me he could never love anyone who weighed more than 120 lbs. So, me being blinded by what I thought was love, worked out like crazy, instead of doing my normal run, I would run and then grab my rollerblades and then go out for another hour and a half. As a result, my iron and blood sugar went crazy. Even to this day, I am told that I look just fine and that I don't need to be that 120 lbs person that I feel I still sometimes should be. It it tough to overcome, but you have the strength. That is what those girls need in the girls' group. They have God, who is a great friend and gives them strength, but they can relate better to a person here who can also help them out in tough times or when they just need another friend to confide in.