Monday, January 05, 2009

Trying to Be (Live) Free

I'm in a very weird, very conflicted place right now. I don't even know quite how to describe it. Let me supply you with an example, though. I woke up, listened some tunes, got some stuff done, ate breakfast, went to the gym. Post-gym, I weighed myself, thought about healthy food choices and set out for Hy-Vee. While there I felt compelled to look for an appetite suppressant but was disappointed to not find what I was looking for and briefly considered buying laxatives and then decided against it 'cause that would destroy my GI tract. I then came home and showered and am now figuring out some supper. I don't feel like eating at all. Like a part of me doesn't want to undo the gym by eating food. I decided that was dumb and got online to rock for a while to convince myself of the need to eat. I succeeded and then decided to try to promote healthiness in my life by using the meal planner. I discovered I'm real great at planning a daily menu that I believe to be on the heavy end of sufficient and discovering its only like 1000 calories. Now, clearly, I wouldn't be this big if that's how I ate, but I was forced to see that my image of healthy is on the other extreme of unhealthy. As much as the thought of even a salad kind of made me gag, I decided to make some supper, after putting on a kind of cute outfit to promote me feeling okay. I then thought about how I should call my friend tonight instead of waiting to message him in a few days and lead with "I thought about calling you the other day". Then, I opened the fridge and I sneered as my eyes started to well up. I was then horrified...had I really started to crying just looking at what I had planned on eating for supper lying next to the yummy health food I'd bought just hours before? As much as I'd like to say, no...I did. *sigh*

I just am frustrated and torn and feel so upset by it all. It seems that I have a good thought, one that would be healthy and helpful and whatnot...but then immediately after that, the urge to sabotage my own plan/thought/care. It was so frustrating and so irritating because the temptation was so strong. I mean, I was physically repulsed by the thought of eating most of the time but at the same time know the consequences of giving into, I sneer and force myself to do all things I don't want to do while a part of me is scrambling to find ways to counteract it and put me back where I was.

I refuse to let those lies and those temptations run my life, though. They will not keep me from doing the things I want to do...and I suppose they make me more resolved to "get better" and live in the freedom of Christ. That's what I've been thinking about a lot lately: freedom. I have a friend fighting for freedom in a really intense way that I don't even know if I fully understand. I was really praying about it New Year's Eve and lifting her up, and God gave me assurance I hadn't really known before. He will set her free. He will protect her and will carry her out of that and set her free to live in and know His love. He will. He can and He will. At the same time, I was convicted as well about the ways I do not live free...the lies that I am still a slave to, not because I haven't been released but because I have not really stood up and walked out of that and into the freedom I have...or something like that...I can't seem to think of the right image. Point is, I was really convicted of the lies that feed into and surround my anorexia. It plagues me from time to time and there are so many lies mingled into all that. I know I neglect addressing it often, especially when the battles being fought for my girls are so more dramatic...I neglect to think of myself. But I was not shocked to feel called to address that. I want that. I want to drag it out by its roots and know God's truth for me. I want to be rid of those lies. I was thinking about that the other day...wanting holistic health for myself, just like I do everyone else. I was thinking about maybe trying counseling again (though my schedule is soon to be crazy) or really seeking God's guidance in how to seek Him each day and renew my faith and trust and strength in Him everyday...and taking care of myself physically...eating well, working out...essentially, it'd be the Takara Feel Good Plan Take 2. I don't know. Today, though. I mean, I guess that's why that was my greatest temptation today. Like I said, though, I don't want to let today scare me away from continuing to pursue health and pursue God. I was glad that it was a conflict and that I didn't descend into despair as quickly as other times. I'm thankful that I have an urge to not give in...and that I made a few bold moves (by the grace of God) to tell a few friends what was up and to even make a phone call when I felt compelled to do so (though I admittedly prayed for the voicemail the whole time). I'm going to bed feeling teary eyed...kinda scared, kinda sick, kinda hopeful, kinda uncertain, kinda lonely, kinda excited, and extremely tired. Pray for me, please.

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