Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Never Getting Help Doesn't Make You Brave

I had a plan for that lyric that was a bit more hopefully…but I’m currently sitting in a lecture on eating disorders and to avoid crying, I’m going to blog…that way I don’t have to fully listen. I just am not wanting to hear this. Once upon a time, in class, one of our teachers said that a disease should not define a person. And my past is in the past. I have been set free from that…I’m free in Christ. God and I have talked plenty lately about beauty and love…I’ve noticed that when I look in the mirror, I see beauty (even though I don’t believe it always gets captured by a camera). And I just have felt very challenged lately. God and I have been working through a lot of things (I intend to blog about it later…). That’s how I came across the title of this blog. There’s a song by Straylight Run called “Sympathy for the Martyr”. I was shocked at how thoroughly challenged and convicted I felt by it.

Enough of that, I can’t be profound and describe crap right now. I just…I feel antsy…I feel like running…’cause it’s mighty hard to listen to an explanation of something you went through…something you still battle sometimes. The truth makes me want to cry. Hearing things I know too well is not easy…I just…don’t want to hear…I don’t like having to know the science about it…it’s timely, as I was tempted earlier this week to return to some of those behaviors. I also feel bad because I want it gone…it’s not, yet…I mean I just heard her talking about the inability to recognize visceral and emotional cues…meaning “people with anorexia often can’t adequately describe their feelings and misinterpret physical cues such as hunger”…shoot dang…that’s largely true…I still don’t recognize hunger well. I often interpret hunger as nausea. So, my first instinct is to not eat because I’m “nauseated” but actually I should eat because I’m hungry…so, I eat when I’m nauseated or dizzy…and my teacher just commented on the risk of relapse, which is huge. I know that…but that usually just makes me feel hopeless…like it’s bound to come for me again…but you know what, I do know that there’s hope and freedom in Christ…and I know that I can keep going and keep getting better…I do…and I know that I don’t have to be pinned down by my past…but…it’s hard…especially in this setting…because it feels like my dirty little secret…

I know this is rambling…this is me coping, I guess…trying to remain in the room during this lecture…to not run…to be a nurse and learn…yup…learn…and to not take it personally…to not hear it as a verdict…

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