I feel like I'm buried right now. So much...so much has just piling up on top of me. But at the same time, I don't feel hopelessly lost like I have in the past. In some ways this is worse because it adds a particular twinge of fear. Things fly at me, try to pull me down...and while they don't pull me down far, I know what's down there...and I end up afraid. It's a kind of classic conditioning I guess. Not the neutral kind that causes a dog to salivate when he hears a bell...the kind that causes you to flinch when someone raises their hand because you just know they're going to hit you. Thus, I'm seeing things come at me, and I cringe and I cry as they grab at me. I cling to what I know and hope it's enough and cry...because as much as I know that these things are untrue and defeated and in the past...they're here and they're real...Wow, Takara, could you be more vague? Why, yes, I could...but that's what happens when I let my thoughts spill out...they aren't always complete.
So, a few weeks ago, God and I were talking about love. I told Him I wanted to truly know His love in a crazy ridiculous way. I wanted to know His love for me and what it means to be His daughter/lover/etc...to let His love flood over me. I wanted to see it in crazy ways and know more about Him. It was cool and you know, God told me some things and showed me some things that pretty much blew my mind. Things about love and beauty and all that awesome stuff. There was this sweet song by Scott Andrew that really stuck out to me. It's called "Holding Back". It starts off:
"They’re gonna tell you
you’re gonna pay too high a price
and try to convince you
you’ve gotta play it safe this time
they’re gonna work you
they’re gonna try to wear you thin
they want to protect you
and leave you trapped inside your skin
Holding back and pretending not to be
want you want to be, want you want to be
Holding back and pretending not to be
want you want to be"
Like all summer...well, actually longer. I was listening to a sermon recently that talked about longing...longing to join in. It used a swimming analogy about adults wanting to get in the pool but instead sitting on the side. I don't know if that's how I've been living...I would compare it more to a night swim I took this summer. I got down to the lake and two of my friends were already in the water -- swimming and splashing. Another friend and I got ready to get in...she jumped off the dock with a shriek...and I walked down to the shallow end and waded out. I watched them splash around and have fun and longed to join them. But I just wasn't sure if I wanted to get completely wet. I waded out to my stomach. You know, to the point where the water laps at your belly button and your abs seize up to try to stay out of the frigid lake. Yup. And I just hung out. Eventually, I waded out further, and finally, dipped my head back...everything had at least been wet once except my face...and then I slowly and hesitantly swam out to join my friends. Lately, I've been wondering where exactly I'm at in that analogy with my faith...with my understanding of God and His incomprehensible awesomeness (or at least in an area of it). I know I got to the point where I was out to my waist and watching everyone...and when I was talking with God that night. I thought that would be me dipping my head back into the water, allowing me to start a hesitant swim out to my friends. But with the way the past couple weeks have went. I'm not sure anymore. I don't know. I feel more secure and more connected to God than in the past. I don't feel as swayed by all the struggles and temptations and lies...but at the same time...U hate that they're getting to me at all. Maybe I haven't made much progress after all. Blargh!
This brings me to another song I've been loving lately. At one recharge, when I was feeling especially overwhelmed, I was listening to my Pizzle (that's iPod for those who don't know me) and "Relearn Love" by Scott Stapp came on. The lyrics that stood out most to me were:
"The comfort of your arms around me
Your tender hands caress my head
I lay beside you I'm not worthy
This jaded man's not who I am
I touched the flame and I've been burned
All I need's a second chance
Give me eyes of a child
And teach this man to relearn love
Teach me all over, all over
To relearn love
Show me again…"
This really got me thinking about a lot of things. Do I really know what love is? I hear the word and use the word, but do I really understand it? God's love...it's not like the "love" I've known from others...it's not something that comes and goes. Isn't there something in like Hosea that talks about God's love being steadfast...steadfast. It's not like certain people in my past who, at some point, stopped meaning "I love you" though they continued to say it. And it's not like others who say "I love you" only when I do something right or like they wanted. Or like others who "love me" so that I can do _____ for them. God doesn't "love" me because he has to or because he just feels so sorry for me that he thinks it might brighten my day (though it does brighten my day). It's steadfast...unconditional...unchanging...complete...perfect...That's hard to understand but so good to know. Because while it doesn't make sense to me...I'm so thankful to know that while I feel buffeted or tempted or even when I make a poor choice or fail to love Him back...God is right there loving me...whether I realize it or "feel" it or not. That's a big deal...and something I'm only beginning to understand in any type of real way...but something I'm wanting to learn.
Hmmm...with all that hope...I think this train of thought has completed it's journey. Yup.