Saturday, October 27, 2007

The Crisis of Knowing you Care....

Do you ever feeling like turning and running away -- hiding away behind the walls of a fortress you've built to cut yourself off from the rest of the world and hide yourself from any potential pain? Bet ya' have :P Seriously, though, I was in panic mode, last night....and that's exactly what I felt like I needed to do. I realized that I was emotionally vulnerable and uncertain about what the outcome of that situation would be. I freaked. I want so badly to retreat to my fortress where nothing can hurt me, nothing can phase me. But at the same time, I really don't want to do that. I'm sick of doing that. I'm sick of hiding my heart and who I am to avoid getting hurt. I mean, you can only be detached for so long, right? Besides, I want adventure and what's more adventurous than taking a huge risk and risking getting crushed? :P It seems kind of ironic because I could very well be in a situation that I've been craving. Isn't it crazy how you ask for something, you truly want something, and when you may very well be on the verge of getting it, you question whether or not you truly want it. Or when you find yourself thinking you may potentially be in that situation you asked for but also realize that there are some less than ideal attributes to this situation that you failed to anticipate, you wonder if it's worth it...a little cost benefit analysis if you will. It seems silly to be doing a cost-benefit analysis of a situation that at present only exists in my dreams, but that's how I roll, I guess. IT seems silly because I'm freaking out over something that hasn't happened. It's fear in the extreme. I mean, I'm afraid of what might potentially happen. I'm foreseeing a painful occurrence that may or may not actually take place. I want to run and hide not because someone has actually hurt me nor because pain is an immediate risk, but rather, I'm trying to run and hide before anyone has the chance to threaten my safety and security in who I am and what I want. I'm trying to retreat behind those walls before someone can cause me harm while I stand here all vulnerable. I'm quite honestly torn, right now. I mean, a part of me wants to be ashamed that I've been so vulnerable as it is seems so feminine and well...weak. A part of me wants to say that I'm a rock or an island...that I can exist on my own, that I don't need anyone else and that I've been hurt too many times to allow anyone access to me. However, there's that other part of me. I guess it's the truly feminine part or something. That part is disgusted that I would ever consider hiding myself again because I should never be ashamed of who I truly am. I shouldn't be afraid to bear myself to someone else, even if it does make me vulnerable, it's honest. And that part thinks it's cowardly to make yourself an island, to cut yourself off before people can cut you down. That part thinks that I'm too soft -- too real -- to pretend to be a rock. I can't pretend to be unaffected and unattached because I'm not. I'm human. I have a backbone and plenty of other bones to give me structure and cause me to be solid, but I also have a lot of soft and squishy parts surrounding those bones. It's hard to put those soft and squishy parts out there, though. I mean, it's hard to walk out of that fortress and into the open field to face a knight covered with gleaming armor when you are nearly naked (at least in comparison...the amount of nakedness would depend on the situation and just how confident and honest I'm feeling). Anyway, to approach a knight in his shining, protective armor while you are wearing...well, let's say a petticoat or something else that would allow for near nakedness, denoting honesty, vulnerability and a lack of intensely intimidating and frightening. I mean, you don't know how that knight will respond when he sees you defenseless. Will he lend you his protection? Will he remove his armor and come to your level, approaching you almost as defenseless as you? Or will he cut you down where you stand? I guess right now, that knight is in sight, but we have yet to confront one another...perhaps that's why I feel skittish. I can see his armor shining in the sun, and then I look at my garb wondering if I can actually handle this. Whether I have enough backbone to keep walking toward him...or if I should retreat behind the walls and yell over the wall or suit up and head out on my own noble steed...What I hate is that I think I know the right answer, but following through on the "right thing" doesn't guarantee a positive outcome. It just means that you put forth the greatest effort you possibly could.

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